'The Unadulterated Cat' Terry Pratchett

The Unadulterated Cat - Terry Pratchett, Gray Jolliffe

For example, if you put an unReal cat down in front of a row of bowls of catfood it will obediently choose the one made by the sponsors of the ad even if all the others haven't got sump oil on them. A Real cat, on the other hand, will head for the most expensive regardless, pull it out onto the studio floor, eat it with guilty pleasure, try some of the others, trip up the cameraman and then get stuck behind the newsreaders' podium. Where it will be sick. And then, when its owners buy several large tins of the wretched stuff, it'll refuse to touch it ever again.


Being so highly bred, some of them are mentally unstable. A friend had an Arch-villains' cat (qv) which thought it was a saucepan. But, because it was very expensive and more highly bred than Queen Victoria, it thought it was a saucepan with style.


Boot-faced cats aren't born but made, often because they've tried to outstare or occasionally rape a speeding car and have been repaired by a vet who just pulled all the bits together and stuck the stitches in where there was room. 


You take the pill in one hand and the cat in the other...


You take the pill in one hand and in the other you take a large kitchen towel with one angry cat head poking out of the end. With your third hand you prise open the tiny jaws, insert the pill, clamp the jaws shut and, with your fourth hand, tickle the throat until a small gulping noise indicates that pill has gone down.

You wish.

It hasn't gone down. Because it's just gone sideways. Real cats have a secret pouch in their cheeks for this sort of thing. A Real cat can take a pill, eat a meal, and then spit out the slightly damp pill with a noise which, if this was a comic strip, would probably be represented as ptooie.


A fellow Real cat owner says powdering the wretched object - the pill, not the cat, although by stage four you'll entertain any idea (...)


Real cat, we thought, had a rather shifty expression, although this particular cat has a shifty expression all the time and even breathes as though it is stealing the air.


Rysunki: Gray Jolliffe

Rok pierwszego wydania: 1989

Polskie wydanie: Kot w stanie czystym


Absolutnie obowiązkowa lektura dla posiadaczy kotów. Dla tych, co by chcieli mieć kota - skuteczne wybija tą jakże szaloną myśl z głowy.